Not very often, but once in a while, everything gets a bit too much. That’s how I’ve been feeling over the last couple of weeks. It’s why there have been few posts and why I haven’t joined in with CMMC this week. This malaise can be traced back to the beginning of July and has been building up over the 3 months since. I would hesitate to use the depression word – I’m generally happy and cheerful. But things can still get to the point when I need to switch out even when there seems to be nothing really wrong. At the moment, I feel a bit like this…
Indicative of this is the situation where I missed two football matches without any real qualms – in fact I was a bit relieved that there wasn’t a coach to the first game and that the second clashed with my Covid jab. There is no actual pressure on me from the football club to attend games and take photos – I’m a volunteer – but there is an underlying feeling that when I’m not there, I’m letting the players down. Something that was amplified by the applause from the players at last season’s awards night when I was mentioned. I have mentioned on several occasions that the club will need to find someone else because I’m not getting any younger – that camera seems to weigh more every season – but finding another volunteer photographer is very difficult.
Blogging – it’s a good outlet for all sorts of things. I can share photos, write poems and tell stories. Tonight, it’s giving me a space to express where my mind is and that helps a lot. While writing this I’m pulling together all the disparate threads in the background and that is giving me some clarity and a clearer view of my way forward. I spend a lot of time here writing about my gaming experiences and my initial story posts set around my Farming Simulator 22 experiences set in France seemed well received but that now seems a dead end with no one really interested. Is that a reason to stop writing about what I want to write about? Should I let the blogging community, through their lack of support, control what I write? I’m sure that this dilemma has been faced by most of you who form my community.
Trips out to pursue of my other interests have been affected by a mix of Covid, personal physical health and industrial unrest. This is another thing that has impacted on how I feel – I’ve reached the point where, even when presented with the opportunity to go out and do some walking and photography, I cannot find the will to go and do it.
In this time of personal unease, I’ve withdrawn into a form of comfort zone. I’ve stopped playing just about all the computer games I was playing. I’ve stopped trying, until tonight, to express myself on my blog. At present, I just fire up the virtual truck most mornings and I stay in touch with my fellow truckers on Twitter – It’s a place where I feel at home and appreciated: which is ironic considering most people’s experiences of Twitter.
I hope I can gather my thoughts into good order for Saturday when I would like to be at the football and seeing my friends along with the players. I’d like to be doing this week’s CMMC again too, or maybe one of Cee’s other photo challenges. And perhaps blog about some other things as well – But first I need to get my head in order and do my best to keep the shiny side up!